Sentimental

sometimes i wish that i could cry and feel sorry for myself, and complain to someone how being with certain people ruined me...point out how i've changed for the worse, how i've died, how what was left of my child-like freeness or innocence has been crushed. i want to mourn for the person i once was, for the tiny bit of confidence i once had, the naiveness i had that could make me happy or at least have fun... i want to cry for the last things that i had held on to for so long that were finally taken away just like everything else...i want to talk about it like it's a problem that CAN be fixed, i want to go backwards, i want to unlearn the terrible things i've come to know, i want to go back to how i was a year ago...i want to be able to have fun dancing even when i hate the music...i want to be able to talk to people and not feel like i'm the one with the least knowledge, the least stlye, the least everything. i want to feel like i'm not the worst at everything.

it's strange how easily i change into a different person...adopting the same negitive points of view as the people around me. turning into something i hate, but not being able to change it because i know too much. and because i'm not strong enough, because i don't have enough confidence to completely be me...because i don't have enough confidence to be "ok" with people being mean to me or making fun of me...because i'm not quite tough enough to say "fuck you, this is the way i want to be" ... i don't feel sure enough of myself to be me...i'm not always sure if being me is "ok" ... and so it leaves me being "myself" only under certain conditions, only with certain people, only when other people act like "me" first...